Long Time, No Speak!

Instead of having a catch up and trying to explain some of the things that I have been going through recently, I am going to discuss why I have always been a bit different, especially in the ways it has been affecting me recently. This is something that is very sensitive to me and please respect that I have no profession in this and I am just speaking on my behalf. 

When I was young, I was always a difficult child. I remember being hell for my mum when things went wrong, being extra sensitive and being unable to deal with things. It evidently lead to me being diagnosed with traits of Asperger Syndrome (which is a developmental disorder that impacts an individuals social interactions, sometimes non-verbal communication and individuals are affected by restricted and repetitive behaviour or interest - taken from Wikipedia). While only being diagnosed with traits, it was never really taken seriously but also I never wanted to use it as an excuse or label myself, which is ironic because you would think I’m doing it now. It was just something that I thought I had to deal with, getting used to the way I was over time. 

However, in Term 1 of my second year of university it became something that became more prominent and really began to affect my studies. While trying to deal with the increased workload, stress of having living problems and problems at home, everything began to get to much for me. I felt it like everything was getting to much and was really starting to stress myself out. Although, in reality it should have been something that most people can deal with, I can’t deal with a multitude of serious events or changes happening at once, nor have I ever been able to. Following a bad result, it all got on top of me and I couldn’t deal. I had to deal with everything in the only way I know and that is to take control, which is not always the best because I try and control things to the extreme. 

It began with me trying to control what I was eating extremely by reducing the sizes of my portions as small as possible, exercising as much as I could and in an unhealthy manner. However, when the bad result came in, it only got worse because I was so angry at myself and I just wanted to be better. I choose to try and be better in how I looked, especially in my figure, wanting to be slimmer. I started to make myself sick. I knew the consequences of this; being so bad for your health, not really helping weight loss and that it didn’t make me feel better but I didn’t know what else to do. It started off once, then more often, until I was doing it everyday. I just wanted to feel better. 

I was very fortunate that I told my boyfriend straight away, because I felt worried and I guess I scared myself that it ended up feeling like that. He would tell me not to do it and support me but at the beginning I couldn’t listen, I didnt’t want to listen. It was only when I was staying with him 24/7, so that he could monitor and support me, that it started to reduce and eventually stop. It took about a month, just me and him trying to deal with it  because I didn’t want to tell anyone else. Although it took a a month to eventually stop properly, it is still something that I have to deal with but occasionally when things get to difficult for me I want to do it again but I have to remember not to go back. 

However, going back to my discussion about my Asperger’s, speaking to a councillor at the beginning of the year it wasn’t the method that needed thought, rather the reason I was using it. I didn’t have control of the situation, I didn’t like some of changes that were happening so I had to try and control everything, although not the right thing it was the only thing I knew at the time. 

Having reflected, I have learnt that I need to allow more time to myself and give myself more time to relax. Although things will always build up and stress me out, I have to learn within time that doing things that hurt myself are not always worth it. In fact they are probably never worth it. It has also being realising when my Aspergers are having a flare up and when I need to try and conquer them, rather than trying to conquer the world around me. Nothing is ever perfect and I will have issues similar to this again but I have learnt that I can get back on track, it just might take time.