6 Month Update
Honestly, I haven't written in a long time. I mean I've written about 10,000 words at least for university but I haven't written personally in forever. Have I missed it? Yes. Have I known what to say? No. Do I have a lot to say? Yes (apologies in advance, probably best to grab a cuppa before reading this).
If I said I have had anything but a turbulent 6 months then I would be lying. Too much has happened and mentally I am not in a great place. In fact, probably at one of my lowest points for many reasons; body confidence, family issues and university stress.
Body Confidence
Over the summer I lost a stone, I didn't need to lose that stone but I felt I needed to. I really wasn't happy with how I looked. I didn't actively lose the weight just constantly worked and from stress (will explain later). I was happy to know I had lost the weight and I felt so much better with myself.
When I returned to university, instead of being complimented, people complained about my weight loss and thought it was unhealthy. It was not. This made all the happy feelings of the summer disappear. I started to exercise more to make myself feel better and it did. My university workload began to decrease my workout time and I began to feel worse again. Currently my body confidence is the worst it has ever been and I am doing a lot of things that I will eventually regret, but I can't stop because of how low I am. I know these things are bad but how do I stop?
Family Issues
The family issues developed over the summer and led to a lot of my stress. Personally, I feel that my summer was ruined because of it. Yet they still have continued over the term. Although, I can not say what (because that would be unfair) these issues have a direct impact on me and have led to me not staying at home for Christmas. I don't want to feel uncomfortable and increase my stress when I am already so low.
These issues make me very angry because they concern my mum and I just want to protect her. She has spent her whole life protecting me, why can't I save her from pain? I just wish that I could help but my opinion doesn't matter and I need to respect my mum's. Although this is extremely hard. I don't want this to ruin my relationship with my mum but I am worried.
On another note, me and my dad are in a much better place. I am beginning to feel more comfortable around him and starting to bring him into my life, so much so that I will be seeing him on Christmas Day. I am happy with this. I just hope that this will continue.
University Stress
University Stress comes down to not feeling good enough, which I guess relates to the previous issue. I feel like I try so hard but just keep falling (I am not literally falling but my grades could be better). I did get an amazing result in one module but my other result of the term has left me deflated and vulnerable. I just wish that my efforts would work out.
I have been trying to handle this stress but its been hard when all these other issues are at bay. I have found that living in a house has helped dramatically and I love where I live (which brings another issues as I might not be living there next year). Not just that but cooking helps to relax me so much because I can control what I eat but it also gives me something to do other than work.
Future Plans
However, it is Christmas (my favourite time of year) and I want to try and deal with these issues. So I am setting up some aims for me to complete:
1) I am going to try and talk about my issues as much as possible and set up some counselling (hopefully) in the new year
2) I am going to work hard at my studies over Christmas but also giving myself time to relax
3) I'm going to start swimming again as this is something that helps me regulate my feelings and makes me feel better about myself (which will be easier as I now have a car!!!!!!!!!)
4) I am going to do as much of the things I love as possible like reading, doing my makeup and seeing friends etc.
So that's my last 6 months. Yep I am probably crazy and yes you are probably really bored now but I am glad thats off my chest.
If I said I have had anything but a turbulent 6 months then I would be lying. Too much has happened and mentally I am not in a great place. In fact, probably at one of my lowest points for many reasons; body confidence, family issues and university stress.
Body Confidence
Over the summer I lost a stone, I didn't need to lose that stone but I felt I needed to. I really wasn't happy with how I looked. I didn't actively lose the weight just constantly worked and from stress (will explain later). I was happy to know I had lost the weight and I felt so much better with myself.
When I returned to university, instead of being complimented, people complained about my weight loss and thought it was unhealthy. It was not. This made all the happy feelings of the summer disappear. I started to exercise more to make myself feel better and it did. My university workload began to decrease my workout time and I began to feel worse again. Currently my body confidence is the worst it has ever been and I am doing a lot of things that I will eventually regret, but I can't stop because of how low I am. I know these things are bad but how do I stop?
Family Issues
The family issues developed over the summer and led to a lot of my stress. Personally, I feel that my summer was ruined because of it. Yet they still have continued over the term. Although, I can not say what (because that would be unfair) these issues have a direct impact on me and have led to me not staying at home for Christmas. I don't want to feel uncomfortable and increase my stress when I am already so low.
These issues make me very angry because they concern my mum and I just want to protect her. She has spent her whole life protecting me, why can't I save her from pain? I just wish that I could help but my opinion doesn't matter and I need to respect my mum's. Although this is extremely hard. I don't want this to ruin my relationship with my mum but I am worried.
On another note, me and my dad are in a much better place. I am beginning to feel more comfortable around him and starting to bring him into my life, so much so that I will be seeing him on Christmas Day. I am happy with this. I just hope that this will continue.
University Stress
University Stress comes down to not feeling good enough, which I guess relates to the previous issue. I feel like I try so hard but just keep falling (I am not literally falling but my grades could be better). I did get an amazing result in one module but my other result of the term has left me deflated and vulnerable. I just wish that my efforts would work out.
I have been trying to handle this stress but its been hard when all these other issues are at bay. I have found that living in a house has helped dramatically and I love where I live (which brings another issues as I might not be living there next year). Not just that but cooking helps to relax me so much because I can control what I eat but it also gives me something to do other than work.
Future Plans
However, it is Christmas (my favourite time of year) and I want to try and deal with these issues. So I am setting up some aims for me to complete:
1) I am going to try and talk about my issues as much as possible and set up some counselling (hopefully) in the new year
2) I am going to work hard at my studies over Christmas but also giving myself time to relax
3) I'm going to start swimming again as this is something that helps me regulate my feelings and makes me feel better about myself (which will be easier as I now have a car!!!!!!!!!)
4) I am going to do as much of the things I love as possible like reading, doing my makeup and seeing friends etc.
So that's my last 6 months. Yep I am probably crazy and yes you are probably really bored now but I am glad thats off my chest.
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