End of Term 2
So it has been a long while since I have written or shared anything with you and I guess that is because a number of different reasons. Like having so many deadlines this term that I have pretty much lost my head, not having a lot to say but also that anything I have got to say, I don't know how to say it. As you can probably see, I have had a pretty busy time this term but that has been both academically and personally, I have had to face many mental hurdles that I wish to talk about.
After returning back to university after the Christmas break, I felt very confused because I really didn't want to go back. I wanted to stay at home with the people that I loved as well as feeling so disconnected from university and the life that comes with it. I guess I really questioned what I was really doing with my life because I wasn't happy and for a good few weeks I felt like that. But I guess with time, I got over it and settled back into university life. I had started to make more friends on my geography course, after a trip to Spain and I was enjoying myself. The thoughts about moving university and coming back home had diminished and I felt a little more like myself.
After I had started to feel a lot better, my world crumbled a little bit. Just before all my deadlines, unfortunately I lost my Grandad. This was a very sad time for me because I was riddled with guilt that I had missed spending time with him over the years but also that over the Christmas break I hadn't been able to see him. You never expect it to happen and when death does come it leaves many shock waves. I guess the only thing that I can say here is that make sure you spend as much time with your loved ones as possible because you don't know when it will be your last.
Due to the events with my Grandad, it meant that I had to come back in contact with my father and because of this, we have been seeing each other. I wish I could put into words how this makes me feel as I feel like it would make me feel a lot better. However it is so hard to explain. For the last 8 years I haven't felt like I have even had a father let alone someone that wants to be part of my life which makes everything so much harder. I don't understand how to act around him because I don't know him and I don't want him to see something he doesn't like. I care about how he feels about me but personally I currently don't care about him. He isn't ever going to impact my life in the way that a father should. I sometimes wish that we could go back and none of the bad stuff happens but that's not life and we will either make it through this or we will not. Either I am fine with.
This subject I am struggling to get my head around personally because it is something that has my heart truly. I am in love. There is no denying how much I love my boyfriend and am excited about spending my life with him. That should be so simple but it is not because of others. People have left imprints of their thoughts about MY relationship in my head which I feel is eroding my feelings and making me doubt it when I really have nothing to doubt. I can imagine spending the rest of my life with my boyfriend and I just wish that other people could be positive about that because it really brings me down. He is the one steady and happy thing in my life that brings me so much joy. Personally I have reached a point where I need to stop letting people have those opinions and ignore what is said because it makes me unhappy that people have any judgement on me.
To end on a happy point I have realised that I need to do more that makes me happy and I am really trying to achieve this by doing the things that I love or trying new things. I have really enjoyed reading and swimming this term more than anything and I can't wait to do more of it next term. This may sound childish but even colouring has helped me so much recently as I have been able to just relax.
Hopefully I won't leave it as long to write next time.
After returning back to university after the Christmas break, I felt very confused because I really didn't want to go back. I wanted to stay at home with the people that I loved as well as feeling so disconnected from university and the life that comes with it. I guess I really questioned what I was really doing with my life because I wasn't happy and for a good few weeks I felt like that. But I guess with time, I got over it and settled back into university life. I had started to make more friends on my geography course, after a trip to Spain and I was enjoying myself. The thoughts about moving university and coming back home had diminished and I felt a little more like myself.
After I had started to feel a lot better, my world crumbled a little bit. Just before all my deadlines, unfortunately I lost my Grandad. This was a very sad time for me because I was riddled with guilt that I had missed spending time with him over the years but also that over the Christmas break I hadn't been able to see him. You never expect it to happen and when death does come it leaves many shock waves. I guess the only thing that I can say here is that make sure you spend as much time with your loved ones as possible because you don't know when it will be your last.
Due to the events with my Grandad, it meant that I had to come back in contact with my father and because of this, we have been seeing each other. I wish I could put into words how this makes me feel as I feel like it would make me feel a lot better. However it is so hard to explain. For the last 8 years I haven't felt like I have even had a father let alone someone that wants to be part of my life which makes everything so much harder. I don't understand how to act around him because I don't know him and I don't want him to see something he doesn't like. I care about how he feels about me but personally I currently don't care about him. He isn't ever going to impact my life in the way that a father should. I sometimes wish that we could go back and none of the bad stuff happens but that's not life and we will either make it through this or we will not. Either I am fine with.
This subject I am struggling to get my head around personally because it is something that has my heart truly. I am in love. There is no denying how much I love my boyfriend and am excited about spending my life with him. That should be so simple but it is not because of others. People have left imprints of their thoughts about MY relationship in my head which I feel is eroding my feelings and making me doubt it when I really have nothing to doubt. I can imagine spending the rest of my life with my boyfriend and I just wish that other people could be positive about that because it really brings me down. He is the one steady and happy thing in my life that brings me so much joy. Personally I have reached a point where I need to stop letting people have those opinions and ignore what is said because it makes me unhappy that people have any judgement on me.
To end on a happy point I have realised that I need to do more that makes me happy and I am really trying to achieve this by doing the things that I love or trying new things. I have really enjoyed reading and swimming this term more than anything and I can't wait to do more of it next term. This may sound childish but even colouring has helped me so much recently as I have been able to just relax.
Hopefully I won't leave it as long to write next time.
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