Battles

Everyone in life will face a number of battles that will make them as a person, these will make everything feel like they are going through a hurricane and that there is no end to the pain. Some battles end in tragedy but some battles end with hope for the future.

My battle has been one that I have had to face for 9 years now and it one that usually excels me but today it resulted in a panic attack when I came face to face with my abuser. My everyday life consists of me going to college and enjoying every moment because I have my friends and a close family. I like to leave the past in the past and therefore do not have a relationship with my abuser out of fear and lack of trust that the incidents won’t happen again.

I guess for you to understand I need to explain what happen and how it impacted my life. When I was younger, me and my two sisters lived with my parents but one day I was told that they were separating which made my world fall apart, I got used to it though. Everyone gets used to everything evidently and you will build as a person because of it. I got used to the two parent lifestyle and the extra treats like a 3 week trip to Disneyland helped me get through because it meant that I was spending extra time with my parents. Although from the outside everything looked fine, my father wasn’t dealing with the situation and although it was a mutual divorce, he was missing the company. 

After a while it became clear and my father who I idealised changed, I just remember him being more angry all the time even though his persona gave off a sweet vibe. On three occasions he became violent over 3 years, although this may not seem a lot and I know that other abuse victims have been affected by more events but this was my dad, this was someone that would show me love on many occasions and then lacked regret after spraining my wrist, that’s not a father, that is a monster.

So the battle that I originally faced was to realise that not everyone that I love was going to hurt me although it felt that way. I would get flashbacks nearly everyday at the start but as the weeks and months went by they decreased and I began to feel a lot better. Then the battle that I faced was realising that I would have to move on from my life and that I couldn’t just go back to how it was before, I would have to move on without a father. This is something that always affects me because it was like losing a father, it felt as if I had lost everything and therefore I couldn’t help but feel lost which made me angry. I used to only ever feel anger towards the man and sometimes I still do but a battle is only a battle, therefore don’t let them win the war.

I guess what people need to know is that a battle could last a year or even many years but its whether or not you are going to fight to win the war and that isn’t something that you can just brush off. Its up to you whether you want to win the war or whether you want to subject yourself to further punishment because you will never let go. Many different people face different battles and you will face a battle one day but you will overcome that battle because I did. I survived just like you will because that way you’re get through this, you don’t want to be a victim and neither are you a victim but a survivor.