Image

One thing that I have cared about too much over the last 3 or 4 years is my weight and my figure. This is something that gets to me because I want to be the perfect weight and I want to look good in anything that I want to wear. Its not something that I really can explain other than the fact that I wish to be perfect, I guess you could say that I'm a perfectionist. 

Originally, I used to run to control this because it used to stop me from stressing out, as I was able to control my weight but also I was able to have time to reflect on anything that was bringing me down. After a while, I just stopped for no reason in particular but I could never get back into it. I have always wanted to get back into it but whenever I try, I always find it too hard.

When I was doing my GSCE’s my weight was something that I wanted to control because I couldn’t control the things that were going on around me, as you can probably tell I am a bit of a control freak. However, I dealt with this in a really bad way and I stopped myself from eating which left me very tired at times but also I was a shadow of myself. Yes, I was able to control my weight and I lost over a stone but when you only weigh 8 ½ stone you don’t really need to do this and it’s an extremely bad way of losing the weight. Most of the time my weight is something that worries me when I have so much else to worry about, its my form of escapism.

Throughout my college life, I have been happier with my weight but there are times that it still gets to me. Last year, I went pescetarian for 4 months, this was a way of controlling what I ate as well as following my ideals. Ideally I would love to not eat meat but because my family all eat meat, its not worth the added expense of me eating alternatively. Again for the short amount of time this was able to help control the inner demons that make me self-conscious about myself and how I look. However, like the other times this wasn’t something that I was able to keep to so evidently I gave up.

Currently, although I am in a very happy period of my life, I am currently facing a lot of emotional issues which have me feeling very lost and unable to control what is happening in my life. Again I feel very self-conscious about how I look, currently I hate my stomach because its not as flat as I would like it to be. I aspire to look like Charlotte Crosby as she is one of my favourite people and I love the way that she has been able to transform her body. My only issue is that I don’t know how I am going to do it because I am constantly tired from work as I don’t want have to get up early for running but I know that I shouldn’t starve myself which I have started to do by cutting out meals which I know it wrong.

I just want to add that I am very annoyed by the media perception of body image especially for women because it makes a lot of women doubt themselves because the projected image that we are supposed to be is almost impossible. Something that has recently come back into light is the Calvin Klein plus size model that is a size 10 when the average women in Britain is 12/14, this puts added pressure on the people to look this 'ideal weight'. Due to the fact that we are supposed to conform to these 'celebrities', it makes me annoyed because should we have to conform to these unrealistic and potentially unhealthy body images. Although not recognised as much males are also faced by this issue because they also have ideals that they are expected to meet so it should never be seen as one sided. 

I guess that what I am trying to say is that everyone battles with how they look and everyone has an ideal image that they want to be, mine being slimmer especially on my stomach. One thing that I believe is that these images that we have are only amplified by the media that makes us think that we need to be perfect when really as long as we are ourselves then it is fine. I know that there will be a day when I feel happy with myself and that day will be soon because I will find the method that is right for me to control myself.