Effects

1)    Reality

Sometimes I expect arguments to lead to a hit or for me to be hurt because of those times and there is nothing that I can do but try and move through the stormy wave to find a peaceful place. Due to the fact that the only times that my abuser was abusive was when me and my sisters caused arguments and this is why I fear them so much because I expect it. I find that I always coward myself away from them because who wants that to happen, I don’t want to feel unsafe around anyone. It can happen around anyone.

The thing is it’s a matter of trust and realisation that no one wants to hurt me and therefore no one is going to hurt me anymore. I need to move aside the fear and the hurt, and realise that the argument isn’t going to lead to abusive punishment. Over time I have become better at this but it hasn’t been easy.

Years ago, whenever me and my mum got in arguments, which was a regular occurrence because as much as I hate to admit it we are very similar, I used to flinch as if I was waiting for it. I’ve never been one for pain and my last nightmare is for someone else to use that form of punishment on me. Although my mum never hit me when we did argue it took me a while to get over this. However, this wasn’t quick enough to stop a terrible thing happening.

2)    Anger

A couple of years after I stopped seeing my abuser as I had stopped all contact, I had become very angry because I didn’t have closure, I’ve never had an apology at all and the court case failed. I didn’t get the support from my local community as the judge deemed that there wasn’t enough evidence. As a child I had always had anger issues as I never could explain how I was feeling and I bottled everything up but this just made it worse. One day this anger and rage came out in the worse form and probably was the worst day of my life because the events were turned and I became the abuser.

Me and my mum were arguing, I have no remembrance about what exactly but I just remember getting angrier and angrier. I kept telling my mum to leave me alone and let me calm down but she continued to remain in my face which doesn’t ever excuse what I did. I just exploded and hit her with a deodorant can a handful of times until I came out of the episode and stopped. I was so filled with regret and upset that I ran out of the house and didn’t return until the evening. When I did return, I was arrested and it changed me, my attitude changed and my anger was finally dealt with as I got help.

I can’t explain why I did what I did because I don’t know but I think its an effect of what happened to me. A reaction that occurred from seeing what a parent can do and expecting that that’s okay when really its not. I believe that because I didn’t get that closure that’s why it happened and I hate myself every day I think about it but I did get some closure afterwards because I got anger management so I learnt to control myself and I had lessons in my self-esteem.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the same as him but then I remember that this only occurred once and I changed straight away and have never done it again, nor would I. I also remember that I regret every second of what happened and wish everyday that I could go back and change it. I wish that I could have just gone back and spoken about how I feel rather than exploding but it shows that it does take time to get over things such as abuse because it still had an effect on me years after and still affects me now.

3)    Flashbacks

Although there are good days and bad days its very difficult to forget and move on from what’s happened and because he was my father, things remind me of him. Its weird because even 5 years after ending contact things still remind me of him, not as much as at first but every now and again. And with this comes flashbacks.

They tend to only last a few minutes but they are the longest few minutes of my life, I remember everything about what happened to me, every little detail is so vivid and clear and it makes me sick.  I feel like I’m there and its happening again but what am I supposed to do. I have realised that I need to wake myself up and try and push through it but even so I still feel terrible and scared afterwards. This is because I feel like its happened again but finding someone I trust and care about and just sitting, talking or simply giving them a hug helps as I find reality again.

A lot of the time the effects result in myself needing to find reality again because although the events were reality they don’t feel real, they weren’t supposed to happen and that’s hard to get one’s head around. So when things happen I need to think about what’s happening now not before because otherwise dark places and days do occur. Now they only occur on the odd occasion rather than regularly. This shows that finding reality gets easier and that it’s a roller coaster that you always going to have the support of someone.